When introducing my two beloved sons, I am sometimes asked why I decided to wait so long to have my second child. Some people even add that if I decide to have another child I should make the gap smaller so that they will be close friends. There is a 4 year gap, which in the grand scheme of things really isn’t that huge.
What I’ve come to realize, is that people really do mean well. That’s why I easily admit that we suffered with Secondary Infertility. We would have much rather had our sons be closer in age. That was ‘our plan’ after all! However, God had a different plan, and in the midst of it the suffering was great.
Our ‘wait’ was relatively short compared to some women. In fact, my best friend has been trying to have a baby for about 6 years. Long story short, I 100% believe that God gave us that period of suffering so that we could relate and speak life into other people. The ability to be able to relate to my best friend alone has been a huge blessing for the both of us. Among fellow infertility sufferers, there is a deep relate-ability that goes beyond what words can describe.
One of the most heart-wrenching moments of infertility comes when you lack the words to pray. You want to pray, but you literally can’t. What you are feeling is so deep and painful, and the desire for a baby is so strong, that you simply cannot muster the words or strength to pray. It’s almost too hard to even breath.
In Psalms 56:8, David speaks of his own affliction and how God keeps account of the tears of his faithful ones. So have faith. He sees. He hears. “You have kept count of my tossings, put my tears in your bottle, are they not in your book?”
My youngest son is now 2 years old, but those moments stuck with me. It has been on my heart lately to write a prayer on behalf of anyone suffering with infertility, or trying for a baby after miscarriage.
I hope this blesses someone and offers you words when you have none.
I don’t have the strength or the words to pray, but you know my heart and you see how it aches. Lord, I need you deeply. Help me find joy in the midst of this affliction. Help me “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” (Romans 12: 12) Open my eyes and heart to see what is around me and let me understand your will for the ‘right now’. Help me not pass these moments by while I ache for the future.
Lord I pray that as friends and family are announcing their pregnancies that you would give me strength and joy for them that can only come from you. When people unknowingly ask me questions regarding children, help me to understand that they mean well, and please remove the hurt that is unknowingly inflicted.
Oh Lord, this pain is great. Sometimes it’s hard to breath, hard to function, or hard to hold normal conversations. Put others in my life who can help give me life through this. Shift my focus to what is good, and help me to choose joy.
Lord, I humbly ask that you heal whatever is going on in mine or my husbands body that is preventing us from having a baby. Lord, heal our bodies and our hearts. Give our doctors wisdom. Make my womb a fertile home, and let my husbands swimmers be strong! Lord, please help us to become pregnant with a healthy and full term pregnancy, delivery, and beyond. Lord, I pray that during this wait, that you are equipping us to be the parents our future baby needs.
And Lord, this is the hardest part to pray. If it is not your will for us to have children of our blood, help us to come to a genuine understanding and acceptance. Help guide us to other possibilities if that is your will, and heal that ache in our hearts. If that is the case, help us to have immeasurable joy and no regrets.
Lord, I love you. I thank you even during the struggles. Draw me close.
In your precious name, Amen.
If infertility is something that you are going through, please don’t ever feel like you are alone or have to be silent through your journey. You are not alone. There are others of us who are more than willing to be a ear to hear, or shoulder to cry upon.